


Quiet Regrets

by godricplease



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: F/M, like one or two swears, nothing crazy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-21 23:11:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11954670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godricplease/pseuds/godricplease
Summary: “ I'll grow from this darkness, my friend, and I'll stand up and love you again... ”





	1. I'll stand up

Alfie Solomons wasn't always intense. 

That cold hard and somewhat lost expression that now settles on his face wasn't always there. You knew him before the war, before that last shred of innocent left him. You remember when he used to laugh at the silliest thing, when you guys first got together and would sneak out to go smoke and occasionally drink. Granted, you were young and didn't take much for the drink to affect you both. But still, you both thought you were being proper badasses.

You remember your first kiss and the first night you spent with him. You cherish those memories as they got you through hard times, especially when it seemed everyone you knew had gone off to war. Not knowing if the people you loved were even alive, ripped you apart daily. Every time a new letter arrived your hands shook and your mother had to calm you down and read it to you. When her eyes finished scanning for bad news but never actually found them, a relieved laugh would slip from her lips and with caring eyes she would say: “That boy will come back to you, Y/N. I know it.”

When he first came back, it felt like time had stopped and both of you were fifteen once more. You couldn't recall ever being so happy to see someone before as cliché as it sounds. Your heart kept trying to get away from its place as soon as your hands made contact with his skin. His arms tightened around your form, squeezing you tight against him. Hearing his laughter again so closely filled you with the purest joy.

A few seconds went by until you felt his head seeking shelter in the crook of your neck. Alfie couldn't believe you were right there, in his arms, he had pictured that exact moment in his head so many times but nothing compared to the real thing. 

"I missed ya" he said, while trying to kiss your neck and talk at the same time. "so fuckin' much." 

All you could do was cry in response. 

The first sign that hinted the shift in his behavior and ultimately personality occurred when you first slept over at his house. The nightmares were common, along with the overall drinking mixed with aggressiveness; you knew it came with the fallout of the war. Of course you knew that, but it was still a lot to handle. You weren’t going to lie, it frightened you sometimes. The raised voices, the slamming doors, bleeding knuckles as a result of too many fights in the local pubs…All of it put together…You didn’t know what to do or what to say. The worse part was that you could see, he didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean any of it.

Alfie tried to hide it; he tried to be the person he was  _before_  when he was around you. He knew it wasn't fully working because you kept insisting that he could vent to you, if he wanted to that is. A part of him hated that you were so understanding, it made him hate himself even more for putting you through it all.

He attempted to hide the anger, the nightmares were the thing he found the most frustrating since he couldn't control them. There was one week in which he didn't sleep at all. It worked for the most part but in the end he just passed out exhausted with his head on your lap.

You didn't continue your relationship right away, you decided to give him time to readjust to his new routine. It didn't mean you weren't still present in his life. In fact, he had mentioned a handful of times how good you were for and to him. You decided a casual thing was the best route to take since it wasn’t too demanding but still private. 

After a while you too had parted ways, neither of you said goodbye. It just...happened. Like it had slowly been building up to it. Alfie had changed, he became secretive and mysterious which was new to you. You guys didn't lie to each other and there wasn't a part of your life that couldn't be shared. You could understand the memories of the war but this was something different. When days began to pass without you guys exchanged a full sentence between you that's when you had enough. 

~  
  


A full year went by when you and Alfie had found each other again. One morning a man named Ollie showed up at your work, you weren't surprised that Alfie knew where your new job was. You were, however, surprised (and disappointed) that he didn't showed up himself. 

"Mr. Solomons wants to know if you would see him tonight." You almost rolled your eyes at him. 

"If  _Mr.Solomons_  wants to see me then he can come by himself. I'm sure he still knows where I live, right?" You said before you excuse yourself. The nerve on that man. 

You woke up in the middle of the night with someone pounding on your front door. You quickly put something on before you went to see what that fuss was about. 

You were about to open your mouth when a voice cut you off. Well, mumblings more like it. 

"Open the door Y/N." You closed your eyes momentarily, before taking a deep breath.  _God! Well, I guess I asked for this, right?_

 Taking a step back you unlocked the door. You could feel your pulse on your wrist, you weren't quite sure what to expect. Will he be  _Mad_? Happy? Excited, even? Were  **you**  supposed to be the one who's mad? You never quite knew what to feel when it counted to him. 

"You always had impeccable timing." 

He scoffed entering your home. Alfie closed the door behind him, your eyes followed him closely as he sat on your sofa. "Don't act like you didn't miss me love." 

You did always admire how he made himself at home, no matter how uneasy he might be feeling on the inside. You also did admire his confidence and how he was a bit mad as well. Which seemed to help in certain situations ever since he was a young lad.

"I'm not actin' like anything." A tired sigh escaped your lips and you weren't sure if you were still dreaming or not. Next thing you knew, you were sitting next to him. "You woke me up." 

 Alfie watched you quietly with a small smile playing on his lips. He saw you trying to keep your eyes open, the current state of your hair that confirmed you indeed had  _just_  woken up. He let himself feel just how much he had missed you. 

"I can tell." he replied. 

You threw him a glare in response. "Why are you here? Why now?" 

"You told me to come, didn't ya? He easily replied. 

"It's the middle of the night maybe you should go, yeah? We can talk tomorrow." You intended to get up when you felt a hand upon yours.   
  
_Bastard._

His gaze didn't dare to leave yours. "Do you really want me to leave, Y/N?"


	2. Love You Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Quiet Regrets! Hope you enjoy it. Italics are for thoughts and flashbacks, don’t worry it’s not confusing. In flashbacks the thoughts are bold. (Plus I don’t use them often)  
> Sorry it look a bit, but I'm proud of it. I like it. :)

When Alfie first left you had trouble managing your emotions. You recognized the most basic ones: fear, angst and frustration, towards him and yourself. One, though, took you by surprise… the relief.

The relief that you didn’t have to pretend he didn’t change, that you didn’t have to guess what he was thinking about any longer. You weren’t a burden no more.

Deep down you were afraid that by living in his house and being so close to him was holding him back; from what he truly desired and what he needed to be.  
  
_You’re keeping him from accomplishing something real. That’s why he’s pushing you away._

Those were the example of the few thoughts that tormented you, those nights you barely spoke, the nights you felt lonely even though he was lying right beside you.

Meanwhile Alfie had convinced himself that what he does for a living and the man he eventually became were the reasons as to why you gave up on him. It torn him knowing that now; it might be too late to change it, to get the life you both worked for back.

He didn't even stop to wonder if she was with someone else when he sent Ollie to her work place. His hand soon turned into a fist as flashes of you with another man ran through his mind. When you opened the door to your home, his breath got caught in his throat. You looked beautiful, with your messy hair and red eyes that begged for some rest. Alfie resisted an extremely powerful urge to grab you and kiss you senseless. He deeply missed being with you and he hopped that night would be enough to make things right.

A feeling of overwhelming regret washed over him.

The following morning you woke up feeling slightly sweaty, particularly in your neck. Not feeling the need to turn around and see the face of the man who was definitely half crushing you, causing you to feel suffocated in a strange, comforting way. Your limbs slowly detached from him and you put on your robe. You didn’t quite know how long you stared at his relaxed, carefree features. Your fingers caressed his cheek as you fought the urge to press your lips against his.

Chills ran through your arms missing the heat of his body against yours, it felt like the first time you two shared a bed. A new almost exciting feeling gathered up inside you and for the first time in a while you felt hopeful about him and your future together.

In the kitchen you made your grandma’s special receipt of tea that you knew Alfie loved as well. His mug was currently on top of the counter next to you cooling off. Your body was leaned against it as you blow softly into yours. The hot temperature warmed your hands and you felt a small smile form just as you registered the noise that came from your bedroom.

Alfie woke up to an empty bed. At first he thought he was back in his house until the smell of your pillow hit his nose, then he grinned knowing exactly who the bed belonged to. He soon found his shoes and made his way into the kitchen.

“I made tea.” You said as you continued to watch him closely. Alfie took his time walking as if he was trying not to startle you. When he finally stood in front of you, you felt small. Your eyes held his for a moment, your teeth bit down on your bottom lip and you swore his body seemed so much closer to yours now. Your brain could only entertain one thought at that time, which was, how badly you still wanted Alfie Solomons.

“Your hair looks better.” He smirked taking his mug off the counter; you rolled your eyes as he sat down on one of your chairs by the table.

As the sweet taste filled his mouth Alfie allowed himself to think, just how much the little things meant and added to his day. Silence prevailed as both of your minds wandered to the previous night.

 _His gaze didn't dare to leave yours. "Do you really want me to leave, Y/N?"_  
  
You felt your throat close as you hesitated. Truth was you didn't know what to answer. It felt like a test, what would he think if the answer was no? You wonder if he would be upset at all if you said yes.

_Your body responded before your mouth had a chance to. Walking towards the bedroom, you manage to fake enough confidence to say, "Do as you please, Alf. I'm going to bed."_

_Now, Alfie had learned years ago how to decipher what you were feeling based on the tone of your voice. It started when you were only a teenager and didn't always say what you were truly feeling; your walls seemed to be constantly up, even around people you were comfortable with._

_He chuckled lightly to himself knowing that his presence was desired. However, Alfie made the decision to still keep his distance –_ _At least for tonight._

_He followed you quietly after taking his hat off leaving it beside his long jacket behind in the living room. When he reached your bedroom, he couldn't help but to leaned in against the doorframe and watch you, at the same time a feeling that could only be described as content took over him._

_"I know you're there" you mumbled, not having the strength to raise your voice higher._

_His movements were slow and calculated just as he removed, what he thought it was the acceptable amount of items, while giving you time to object. When you didn't do so, his right hand lifted the sheet, his body followed and he swore he heard you holding your breath at the same time you began to turn around. Only it wasn’t you that stopped breathing but him._

“You know, I still don’t understand why you think we ain’t good together.”

You scoffed before replying. “I never said that.”

Alfie arched one eyebrow in defiance. “Nah, but you thought it.”

He sighed closing his eyes momentarily. He knew he couldn’t deny this conversation any longer.

“You know, I tried not to be the person I am with you, I tried to be better.” He paused. “I know it’s my fault. I should’ve done things differently.”

You felt your eyes close as you heard him apologizing, your chest tightened and you felt slightly breathless. “I know. I know you tried, but the reason I left wasn’t due to your job, what you do or _how_ you do it - It was because you didn’t trust me enough to let me in. You shut me out of your life.” Alfie stand up from his chair as soon as you finished the sentence and walked toward you with a determined look.

“You had your goals, shit you wanted to do with your life and didn’t include me. _I_ was the one who was always there for you, and you shut me out. I don’t trust you anymore. How can I?”

For the first time you didn’t cry as you voiced these thoughts.

You felt his eyes piercing yours and you swore your whole body was burning. “I did it for **you**. Fuckin’ irony, innit? You think you were holdin’ me back when you were the one pushing me forward.”

_Unsurprisingly it wasn’t strange for him to be laying there, it was familiar and comfortable. "Have you been drinking?" You asked placing a hand on his chest._

_"No darlin’"_ _**Fuckin hell**_ _,_ _he thought, just as your fingers played with the buttons of his shirt. He thought his heart might jump out of his chest if you kept doing that._

_"Why do you smell like rum then?" Your voice was barely heard as sleep was calling your name and the fact that the side of your body was now brushing against his, only made you feel more and more comfortable. You were finally home._

_When Alfie noticed you finally drifting off, he wrapped his arms around you. His head leaned slightly to the side as he placed a kiss on the top of your head, closing in eyes simultaneously._

_For now, it was enough._  


By now he was exasperated with himself. He was _finally_ opening up and telling everything he had been wanting to for a year. “I told myself that was okay and it was going to make sense one day. I apologize love” His hands cupped your cheeks and his eyes begged for understanding. “In my head I thought you would read me like you always do and figure why I was being such a twat. I’m fuckin’ idiot aren’t I?!”

You didn’t reply straight away. You couldn’t. Your head was barely registering his words. After a few seconds went by of you just looking at him and him begging for you to say something –anything – you finally took a small breathe and spoke. “I need more, Alf. I need you to be there. Promise me we will do this right from now on” You didn’t feel embarrassed about how your voice cracked in the middle of the sentence or about how your hands grasped his shirt. You felt closer to him than ever before. You felt an even bigger amount of love for him as you hold on to his every word.

 _Why didn’t I just talk to her before!?  
__  
_ He genuinely thought she was going to change her mind. He thought she was coming back and forgive him. He thought she needed a small amount of space and clarity and that would be it. He honestly didn’t thought their separation would last this long. Alfie never entertained the idea of them _not_ being together.

Did she really think he didn't care? He sometimes wished he could be innocent again, so he could fall for her again and give her a life without sorrows and painfully easy, avoidable regrets.

Now? He wanted to laugh. It was ironic and plain stupid if someone bothered to think about it for more than five minutes. You were telling him his problems could be resolved if he just had been honest from the start? If he just opened up? Shit.

He thought that was the root of every problem he had in his life, including the ones at the bakery. Perhaps the way he saw you was wrong, like you were just another bloke at the office or one he had to partner up with. You weren’t just a temporary person in his life. You once were everything to him and apart of him never truly pushed you away as much as he led you to believe.

“I promise. Let’s work on this trust, shall we?” Your arms wrapped around his neck and Alfie leaned down, you felt his breath mixing with yours and you brushed your nose against his.

His lips soon met yours, in a passionate loving kiss. You couldn’t wait to start over him.

She would always find him, the real Alfie, the one he tried so hard to cover up with senseless words that contradict his kind actions.

He knew who she was, what she wanted and who she wanted to be and if he didn't anymore, he would learn. For her.


End file.
